Last weekend, my friend Perk recommended a movie to me. “You’d love it”, he convinced me. “It is about writing”, he added. And that last sentence was how he got me to add watching a movie to the list of things I had to do that weekend.
Rebel In the Rye, the title of the movie I ended up watching on Sunday, was released in September 2017. It was written and directed by Danny Strong and based on a book Kenneth Slawenski authored entitled “J. D. Salinger: A Life”.
By this time, I am sure you can guess the movie is a biographical one. It portrays the world of legendary writer J. D. Salinger and vividly brings to life the experiences that shaped one of the most renowned, controversial, and enigmatic authors of our time.
Some of the stars who played various roles in the movie include Nicholas Holt, Zoey Deutch, Kevin Spacey and Sarah Paulson.
I hate spoilers so I won’t spend time to tell you about the storyline of the movie. Get it and watch it for yourself. Also, it is not a movie review so I won’t bore you with my impressions of it either. What I intend to do is share the writing-worthy lessons I picked from this movie that offered a tantalizing window into the life and times of a writer described by some as a little-understood genius who broke the rules and redefined American literature.
In the early scenes of the movie, Salinger’s mentor and lecturer in Creative Writing at Columbia University, Whit Burnett, spelled out the importance of a writer’s voice to the writer and his writing.
“Your voice is what makes your story [writing] unique,” he said. And he was quick to add a caveat, “But when the voice overwhelms the story, it becomes an expression more of the writer’s ego than the emotional experience of the reader”.
Take a moment a brood over that.
Burnett also in Salinger’s first class at Columbia made it clear to the students that there is a difference between wanting to be a writer and actually being one. This is a simple but very important statement especially to people who describe themselves as budding writers. My friend, Nesta Jojoe Erskine says, “There is no such thing as a budding writer. You are either a writer or you are not. There is no middle ground.”
Is there room for training and development for writers? Yes. But that room can only be explored through doing what writers do – writing and being a writer. There is no set time too fully blossom and receive an official certificate to tell you now you can fulfill your writing dreams. Even if you study writing as a programme or a course in the university, it does not qualify you as a writer until you actually write. The proof of the writing pudding is in the writing.
One of Salinger’s goals as a writer was to get published. His agent, Dorothy Olding pushed the idea further down his throat with the mantra, “Publishing is everything”. With this refrain, Olding advised Salinger in one of the scenes to do everything possible to get published in The New Yorker. “There’s nothing wrong in dumbing it down once in a while,” she said.
Publishing should not be the desperation of a writer. Desperation for anyone is not good. It causes you to do silly things – like dumbing it down. Stay authentic and true to your writing and your break out or breakthrough might come.
What if it doesn’t? The breakthrough – what if you never get published? This question was also answered in another conversation between Burnett and Salinger. The teacher spelled it out to his student that he may write the best works and may still never get published.
Seeing a surprised look on Salinger’s face after that statement, Burnett asked, “Are you willing to devote your life to telling stories knowing that you will never get nothing in return?”. Salinger disappointingly did not answer so Burnett did. “If the answer to this question is no,” he said. “Then go out there and find something else to do with your life because you are not a true writer”.
Going back to subject of publishing, while it is not everything, it is important. Every writer should try to get published but don’t write only for the sake of publishing. If this is the case, you must understand that the road to publishing is not an easy one. Rejection lurks in many corners of that journey and will ambush you a thousand times. That was a lesson Salinger learned the hard way. His mentor, Burnett, was the first person to give him his rejection notice. And it was right after showering praise on the same piece of writing. “This is the second most important lesson you will learn about writing”, Burnett told the young Salinger.
Typical of Burnett, he did not leave the lesson there. He went on with a solution. “What are you going to do now?” he asked. “Write another story. Then another one after that. And then another after that. And then another one after that”, he screamed after a disgruntled Salinger stomped out of the former’s office.
Write as many articles, stories, poems or whatever it is you write one more than the number of times you are rejected. Another one after your last rejection.
Finally, Burnett asked Salinger the question almost every writer has been asked or has asked himself or herself: Why do you write?
One of my mentors advised that you do not always have to have an answer to this question however I could not help but find Salinger’s answer to this question interesting. And more interesting was Burnett’s response to Salinger after his answer.
“[I write] because I get angry about a lot of things,” Salinger explained. “When I’m writing, I feel like I’m doing something about it [the anger]. Like I’m finally getting to speak my mind”.
To which Burnett replied, “Explore what it is that makes you angry and put that into a story”.
On this note, I leave you with a paraphrase of Burnett’s words. Find what makes you write and explore it to create the best pieces of art. We can only get better. It can only get better.
Editor’s note: The author Sonala Olumhense in this piece talks about the declarations made by different officials in authority that the Islamist terrorist group, Boko Haram has finally been defeated.
Last Monday, Nigeria’s highest authorities declared Boko Haram, the militant group which has caused tremendous violence and agony for nearly 10 years, finally contained.
Speaking during a Town Hall gathering in Maiduguri, the ground zero of the menace, Abdulrahman Dambazzau, the Minister of the Interior, described the group as “completely decimated.”
He added that the group’s structure was degraded and its leadership, dismantled.
Minister of Information Lai Mohammed cited the “resumption of flights, bubbling nightlife, and football matches in Maiduguri” as signs normalcy has returned to the Borno State capital.
It is interesting to note that the report of the event was filed by the News Agency of Nigeria (NAN), and nobody explained why the national and international media in the area appeared unable to find the venue.
As part of the back-slapping, Defence Minister Mansur Dan Ali announced that at least 30,000 hostages kidnapped by the insurgents were freed by the troops.
Two days earlier, also in Maiduguri, Rogers Ibe Nicholas, the Theatre Commander of Operation Lafiya Dole, also declared Boko Haram “completely defeated.” Speaking at the inauguration of the Nigeria-Cameroun Military Joint Mission, he explained that only the previous day, his troops had overrun Boko Haram’s “Camp Zero,” dislodging the militants and occupying the area.
“We have broken the heart and soul of Shekau’s group, taking over the camp and its environs,” Nicholas said. “They are on the run and we are pursuing them to wherever they go. This time around there is no place for escape anywhere.”
The news comes some six weeks after President Muhammadu Buhari first made the announcement of the militants’ fate. In a statement on the eve of Christmas 2017, he declared “the long-awaited and most gratifying news of the final crushing of Boko Haram terrorists in their last enclave in Sambisa Forest.”
That was followed on January 7 by another affirmation by the Chief of Army Staff, Lt. General Yusuf Buratai, that his troops have won the war against Boko Haram.
The declarations come exactly three years after President Buhari said Nigeria had “technically” won the war. But the militants had then mounted more attacks against troops and populations.
All of this comes six months after Mr. Buratai gave the soldiers 40 days to capture Abubakar Shekau, the leader of the terrorist group, “dead or alive.” He ordered the then Operation Lafiya Dole chief, Ibrahim Attahiru, to spare no trick in his wine-skin bag “to smoke out Shekau wherever he is hiding in Nigeria.”
Given Shekau’s habit of re-appearing each time the army claims he has been killed or wounded, there was little surprise that after 40 days, the army could present to Buratai neither the militant nor his head.
On the contrary, there followed a new wave of Boko Haram attacks upon Nigerians, and an embarrassed military early in December went on a face-saving mission. Major General Attahiru was summarily removed and shoved to a desk assignment described as “policy and planning.”
While it would be incorrect to attribute the latest developments to the military wizardry of Nicholas, what he has achieved in such a short time is highly impressive. Despite that, using such language as “totally defeated,” or “crushed,” or “completely decimated” seems overblown, particularly with Shekau still in play.
And he didn’t take too long last week to announce himself. On Wednesday, he published a new video in which he declared Nigeria’s version of recent events to be false, affirming that he is in, and still controls Sambisa forest.
Obviously, until the challenge of finding Shekau is answered and his means and methods decapitated, the claim the insurgency has been defeated will continue to sound hollow. Among other questions is: where are the remaining Chibok High School girls? Where are the members of an oil exploration team the militants snatched in July last year which included policemen, NNPC researchers and University of Maiduguri professors? It is notable that Shekau brags about this point in his latest video, which he autographs as “the one that is an invincible enemy that you are fighting.”
These evident elements of doubt may explain why only NAN directly reported the government’s landmark celebrations last week. But the declarations of victory raise a key question about the $1bn the government announced in December it wanted to take from the Excess Crude Account allegedly to fight the insurgents.
Where do we go next? Despite the giant strides the Nigerian military has made in the combating Boko Haram, Buhari lack of both vision and patriotic ambition as a leader have become apparent in the past three years, and one of those areas is in sadly mistaking propaganda for action.
To that end, how does the government intend to handle the huge rebuilding and restoring challenge in the northeast, given how much officials such as the former Secretary to the Government of the Federation Babachir Lawal have taken advantage of Buhari’s weaknesses to exploit the poor and dispossessed.
In November 2016, the United Nations said in Abuja that Nigeria faced a massive humanitarian crisis arising from the insurgency, and that 26 million people would be affected by the crisis into 2017. At the time, it also warned that about 75,000 children could die from hunger within just two months.
On March 30, 2017, the New York Times reported that over 130,000 people fleeing Boko Haram had amassed in Niger’s Diffa region, along National Route 1 in the southeast of the country, with nowhere to go. In May, Medicins San Frontieres, quoting the authorities, said that number had almost doubled, to 240,000. Nigeria has never responded to their presence.
Only last week, UN-OCHA announced that over 8.5 million persons need life-saving support due to the humanitarian crisis arising from the insurgency; in 2017, it had targeted 6.9 million displaced persons.
This is a good time for the government to come up with a massive plan not only to help victims of the insurgency, including those outside our borders, but to address the national problems that facilitated the rise of Boko Haram in the first place. Sadly, those problems exist all over the country, and we have seen how they drive Nigerians into desperation, and sometimes out of the country into slavery and death.
The question is whether Buhari, given his alarming and disappointing record in the past three years, and confronted over the next with trying to remain in power in 2019, can summon the inspiration and strength he has lacked in three years, to tackle these problems.
The truth is that in view of Nigeria’s burgeoning population, business as usual is no longer an option. The tens of millions who have barely survived Boko Haram, in addition to the tens of millions all over the country who continue to be neglected while officials connive and help themselves to a lifestyle of opulence and privilege in the face of a weak anti-corruption preachment, is a tinderbox waiting to consume the unwary.
The poverty of purposefulness in high places must end now. Hopefully, it is clear to all that the days of hoodwinking the populace—like the days of coup-plotting and election-rigging—are over.
Boko Haram is not defeated until Nigeria is not just a political playpen.
The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of africanentertainment.info
Sugabelly’s story of Rape. Everyone in Nigeria, especially those people, who love Twitter, are aware of an unpleasant episode in the life of Mustapha Audu, son of former governor of Kogi State. This story was first revealed in 2015, and still, none of us can’t tell how exactly things went wrong for 17-years old alleged victim.
Story of Sugabelly
In 2015, a popular Nigerian blogger, Sugabelly revealed in the article named “Surviving Mustapha Audu, and his Rape Brigade”. She described a poor Nigerian girl (her name wasn’t revealed at first) survived multiple rape from Mustapha Audu and his closest friends.
In the Sugabelly story, lots of dirty stuff happened, including Mustapha gifting his girl as a birthday present, group rape acts etc. Mustapha himself thinks, that every point in this story is a fake, and in whole, it is just a bad attempt to make easy money. So where is the truth?
Mustapha Audu with his friend
The main clue, which is used for the verse of governor’s son is the fact, that this story wasn’t unveiled since 2006 when Lotanna (real name of the victim) started dating him. The girl said, that she was afraid of the consequences, but Mustapha thinks, that this whole story is charged only because he didn’t married Lotanna.
And still, we can’t say exactly what really has happened between these persons. Maybe, the truth lies somewhere on the half, or, maybe, one of them is a clear criminal. Because false accusation is a crime also. But, we can try to carry some useful lessons from this story, so such a story will most likely not repeat itself among younger generation.
5 lessons we should learn from Sugabelly’s story
Lesson #1: Bad boys style is not a good tendency. Look, in Nigeria, women always have to be good mothers, faithful wives, and tireless domestic servants. How do we see men in Nigeria? They are drinking, showing their bad behavior in public, and the only reaction for such things would be “Ah, they are boys, so what can we do with it?”.
The only case, where it could work, if we would try to raise tons of future pirates, goons, and other criminals. To be a man doesn’t mean to be a pig. It’s all about responsibility, proper attitude to the parents, and to your mother in the first place. Men are stronger and have more will, so why do we have to spend all these priorities for abusing someone, who is weaker? And everything begins in early ages for males. You would never rape someone if you have a kind and respectful relations with your mother. Actually, both parents should teach their sons respectful and protective attitude to those who are weaker.
Lesson #2: Remember: a woman is the guardian of life. Therefore, it is necessary to instill in your daughter basic safety rules. The girl should be sensible. Teach your daughter to understand people and situations right. You should not intimidate her, only warn against excessive credulity. Bring her the thought that wise people learn not on their own, but on other people’s mistakes. Talk with your daughter, tell her about dangerous life events of your friends, discuss what was written in the press or known from television. The education of a girl must teach her to avoid what might threaten life, reputation, and health.
A girl from an early age should learn to understand who she is dealing with, what to expect from this person, whether it is possible to trust him, whether he is good or bad. It is important that she can assess the emerging situation, and draw the right conclusions. This is especially useful to her when you are not around, and the girl will be able to decide for herself how to act.
Lesson #3: Police in Nigeria doesn’t know how to prevent and investigate rape acts. There is no real procedure to identify and preventing cases of rape acts. Again, don’t get us wrong, this is not about the police being unprofessional. It is about lack of legal materials and mechanisms, that should be provided by the government.
Lesson #4: Parent lesson. Every reader can understand what is going to say further, proceeding from the name of this lesson. Parents, if you wouldn’t educate your little princesses, if you wouldn’t love them, take care of them, then (at least) you will grow another unhappy and cruel woman.
Now, fathers, the main thing, that you have to do for your daughter through her childhood is to give her the feeling of safety. You have to be the guarantor of safety, in fact. Of course, this is not the only thing, but maybe the main, that you could do for your little girl. Because in another way, she could try to find this feeling in the arms of someone who can draw her down into something even worse, than Sugabelly’s story.
Lesson #5: Nigerian society has to stop pursuing rape victims. We mentioned earlier, how its difficult to say to someone, that you were raped. Even, if you want to say something like that to your parents or other people you love, it would be difficult too. Because our society prefers to laugh at such people, ignore them, treat them like a dirt.
Let’s not wait for someone implementing right procedures to catch the rapist. Instead of these, let’s try not to make fun of rape survivors, but figure out how to help them. Let’s be the ones, who you can come to and ask for support. Because it is not so hard, to sympathize with people.
Sugabelly’s story could be fake or real. In any case, we should think about, how to build up the society, in which such story would be just an unpleasant myth or a relic of the past.
There is an Arab proverb that says, “the beginning of anger is madness and its end is regret”.
And I have seen and heard of people become downright mad and reduce themselves to beasts when they become angry. And like beasts, they savagely devour any and everything they are in contention with, only to realise later that what they destroyed in that moment of uncontrolled behaviour is marred forever. And that is probably the saddest result of anger; when you are unable to fix that which you destroyed during that fit because they are irreparably damaged.
Anger, left uncontrolled can be very damaging. Many have lost innumerable blessings because of anger; from losing out on multimillion business deals to losing vital social relationships. Uncontrolled anger can be very damaging.
However, anger is not all bad. In as much as it is destructive, it can also be a fixer. Psychologists tell us it is very okay to get angry. What is not okay is allowing it to transcend your thinking and taking control of every part of your being. So yes, getting angry is a normal human reaction.
Human Emotions can be a very delicate thing to handle sometimes. Even the sweetest of all (love) can be equally complex. That is why dealing with them require a lot of tact and mind work.
Here are some tips I sampled from the internet to help you deal with anger. I hope you find them helpful.
Think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, you might say something you will regret later. And sometimes, when we are angry, words fail us. We can hardly find the right thing to say. So, we end up saying all the wrong things that either exacerbate the problem or leave us more bruised than we were.
Once you are calm, express your anger. It is good to vent your anger but venting it the wrong way might lead to another cause for anger. This is not to suggest in any way that you pent up your anger. Bottling it may result in a dangerous explosion someday. Knowing the terror such explosions can cause, it is best to express your frustration in an assertive and non-confrontational way when you start thinking clearly. State your concerns and needs directly, without hurting others or trying to control them. Winding or dilly-dallying around the issue may leave it unresolved, thereby leaving a higher probability for it recurrence.
Get some exercise. Exercise prevents and cures a lot of mishaps. It is an elixir for many for many destructive ailments. Exercise reduces stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk, run or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities. You can even decide to count from 1 to infinity- sounds a bit puerile but it works.
Try taking some timeout; it is extremely helpful. Timeouts provides a change of environment and fills your mind with new thoughts. Moving away from the scene that caused you to become angry is a step towards healing. A sight of new things calms you and helps you to collect thoughts on a better way of dealing with the cause or agent of your anger.
Instead of focusing on what made you mad, identify possible solutions to resolve the problem. There are so many ways of solving a problem. Many of the problems we leave unresolved have solutions. However, when you are angry, every problem looks like it has no solution. That is why you would want to raze your house down, kick, slap or even beat the agent of anger. Anger blinds you to possible solutions, it muddies your thoughts. Which is why you must calm down first as stated earlier and then you can think about possible solutions to solve the problem.
Do not hold a grudge. Forgiveness has always been the best option. Learn to forgive people for their wrong. Holding a grudge makes you bitter. It feels you with so much hate for the offender and the only thing you want to do in such moments is to react squarely to what the person has done. Forgiveness on the hand gives you a better feel. When you sincerely forgive, all the heavy emotions within assumes a lighter weight and gets you being your happy self again.
Use humour to release tension. Lighten up your mood with humour. Find yourself activities you find very cheerful. You can watch funny movies or read funny stories to feel better.
Practice relaxation skills. We all have a peculiar relaxation skill that works magic for us in times like this. Discover which suits you best and apply it in such times. It could be watching a movie, reading a book, listening to music, playing video games or even a good sleep. Know yourself and find out what relaxes you best and reach for it during these times.
Know when to seek help. If or when your anger terrifies you and everyone else around you, then you probably time to seek help. If you find yourself strangulating people, throwing your television to the ground, kicking and slapping whoever or whatever is in sight, inflicting unimaginable physical harm to yourself and other people around you, then it is time to call in on some professional help.
Always Keep Your Anger In Check.
Anger is very difficult to control. That is why the strongest person is the one who can control his or her anger.
More often than not, I’ve lived by the ‘cut your cloak according to your size’ cliché. But I get caught up sometimes in situations where I want an extra ice cream or one of those petty things which come staring at your face like orphans and you need to adopt them and take care of them in your own special way.
That afternoon when I requested for an Uber, the price seemed quite outrageous, but I knew if not for the fact that I was broke, it would have been normal to me. Then the thought of taking risks and adventurous cues flooded my mind and I decided to order it anyway. Who cares? I didn’t have the money, but I needed to get home anyway. I didn’t think the driver would bring me back from where he picked me if I told him my money wasn’t enough, so I pompously placed the request and within a couple of minutes, a newly registered red Toyota Camry pulled up.
‘Ewuramah’? the driver asked a bit sternly and I wondered if I should say yes and suffer the regrets or say no, cancel the trip and run to the nearest trotro station. That would have been in contrast with the adventurous girl I desired to be, so I smiled, walked shoulders-high and comfortably rested in the passenger seat.
Halfway through the journey and I began to remember all the times my mum told me I was going to land myself into huge trouble someday; the moment was finally here. The driver had refused to smile all through the ride. He simply kept humming to Shata Wale’s ‘Ayoo’ and my urge to ask him to play something cool was so faint, I couldn’t even open my mouth to speak.
What kind of driver won’t engage me in a conversation? I thought they all wanted to be rated five stars so the trend was to get all chirpy. This driver was simply different. His spirit of professionalism was so high and uptight. I couldn’t imagine how I’d get to explain to His Royal Majesty that my money wasn’t enough.
One last turn, and I finally saw the gate of our house, then I knew World War III was about to be started by a broke girl who didn’t even know what it took Hitler to stand his grounds many years ago. The air-con became warmer all of a sudden and tears began to gather in my eyes. As he ended the trip, I began searching every nook and cranny of my purse, hoping to see a miracle.
‘Twenty five cedis’, he announced with that unfriendly tone and my jaw almost fell into my lap. It was eighteen cedis when I requested, so I didn’t know why Uber chose the day I was broke to surge the price that high. I stared at the 10-cedi note in my purse, turned my purse over with the hope that Jesus will send a rescue team to her daughter’s aid. Then I spotted the new blouse I’d bought in my bag. The tears in my eyes began to roll down my cheeks; it wasn’t for the misfortune at hand. It was for all the times my mum warned me against impulse buying. I cursed myself for buying what I hadn’t budgeted for, bit my lip for not going to pick trotro; I could have saved some more money and now all I could do was mourn the moment.
I lifted my eyes only to meet the driver’s gaze. He looked down at the 10-cedi note in my palm and turned around. I knew the moment was finally here. The drama was about to go down, but instead, he handed me some tissue to wipe my tears. He smiled and I wondered if there were people aside my mother who smiled when they were about to cause a scene. ‘Let’s just say you owe me, I’ll text you my account number so you can make a deposit for me sometime. You don’t have to cry’, he smiled some more and it was then that I realized he was a handsome man. The initial tension clouded my eyes, I couldn’t see. I returned his smile with a thank you and shamefully dragged myself out of his car.
As I stood there watching him drive away, I knew for certain he wasn’t a Samaritan; he was just an Uber driver with a big heart and a fine face.
Today, for many people, social media reactions have become more important than our basic needs. In school, we were taught that every drug, including water, has a side effect or two. It is intriguing, though, that the men who push medicines introtrosattempt fool passengers that their drugs have no side effect. SMH!
Being tall or short has its perks and downsides. Being fair makes you noticeable. But, it also makes any blemish on you have more noticeable. In extension, everything has an advantage and a disadvantage. Okay, enough of the digressing verbal diarrhea. To the reason for this write-up.
What are your thoughts on social media?
I will tell you my thoughts. I cannot totally thrust social media in the trash. It is not the best thing that happened to me all my life. It’s not the worst either.
So where does it fall?
Let’s go back to my first paragraph.
Like everything else, social media has its downsides and upsides. Social media has been incorporated into our daily lives that we are oblivious to its influence on us, positively and negatively.
Have you sat down to imagine how different life will be without social media? Charley, I do not want to know how it will be.
I have met great people here. I did not meet the 2eweboys in my dreams. I did not contribute to two published books and one in the pipeline by bumping into the right people at the marketplace. I met all of them here on social media. You, my readers, are seeing this because of social media and I am grateful to you for reading this article. Kindly share with others. Thank you. Therefore, it will be hypocritical of me to say social media has no perks.
With the profitable side of social media dealt with, let’s talk about the ugly side, shall we?
Here, almost everyone has the perfect face or figure. Filters have made the ideal face a reality and no longer a dream. These days, the hashtags #NoFilter, #NoMakeup and many others have become compliments. We are as fake as a three Ghana Cedi note. These days, when you manage to post a picture of yourself in a “Watchman’s Wife Hairstyle”, you are bold.
Everyone is an honour student on social media. There’s no room for rewriters and failures who are ready to correct their mistakes. Our timelines are flooded with graduation pictures and awards. If you are not part of them, then you are aimless and hopeless. Here, you’re sent to the gallows when you make a grammatical error. Not to say that we should not correct mistakes, constructively. It is normal to tease friends when they make mistakes. That, however, does not give you the right to make them feel dejected so much that they are unable to make posts.
When I began writing, I had a fear. The fear of making mistakes as a writer. What will my readers say about me? Will prolific writers think I am a disappointment to all writers? Will I be able to write like so and so? All these thoughts got to me. So, although I wrote frequently, I hardly made posts. Because I feared criticisms. I am still a convalescent person. I am learning to realize that perfection is a mirage but with quantity, I can achieve excellence. You, too, should do same.
On social media, Akple, Banku and Kokonte are extinct. When you reach out behind the screens, you’ll be shocked to see that the gentility portrayed on social media is a sham. Listen, only about 0.1% of the approximated 28,000,000 Ghanaians eat all the exotic cuisines we see on social media, every day. All the others, you and me, eat local dishes. Never be intimidated when you see those pictures.
It is not a wonder people pay others to take pictures of them in limos and aircrafts, just to show others they have been out of the country. I am not against showing a happy side of you. I show much fun part of my life. But meet me and you would be disappointed to see my boring quiet part. You should be true to yourself. Do not project who you are not or what you do not have on social media because you want validation from people.
The dark side of social media is frightening. Apart from its addictive side, social media use causes anxiety, depression, eating disorders, irritability and low self-esteem.
This year and beyond, do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Live life one day at a time. Your life is not dependent on how I, your role model or crush live our lives. You drown yourself in depression if you do so. Uber or Trotro; airplane or Okada; Kantamanto or pricey boutiques; Hollandia or Sobolo; they all achieve the same results. If you have the money, by all means, spend. If you do not, live within your means. Do not go broke trying to impress. There’s more to life than slaying.
So, the next time you feel depressed about being imperfect, remember this; No one is perfect. We only strive for excellence. The next time you think your dresses are not trendy, know that some folks borrow dresses just to make you feel insecure. They even go further to take pictures wearing clothing that will not follow them to their houses.
No likes, no comments and no shares, but you still rock. ‘Cos you’re real!
In dreams of family happiness, we sometimes imagine how we will dress up our beautiful daughter and help our son to become a real man. But let’s not forget, that this dreams also have the other side. You definitely heard the statement in debates: “A male child is more beneficial than a female child”. Is it true?
How to compare male and female children?
Of course, the above-mentioned question is rather complicated, because it is simply impossible to express a generalized opinion. Maybe you see yourself growing a son, your inheritor, and successor. Also, you can be more excited about a fact of having daughter, less problematic child and your little princess. Eventually, you can be far from the process of raising children, which is quite normal, considering the high pace of modern life.
However, it is obvious that gender affects the characteristics of upbringing in the areas of character development, healthcare, material support, etc.
Let’s not forget about other feature of society in Nigeria. Religion could also affect your wishes about the future gender of the child. In the Muslim world, there are a lot of benefits for men in general, if you compare their position against women. Christians are more likely to be happy about both of the options, so in such cases, only the attitudes of parents matters.
Nature and character of boys and girls
It’s no secret that boys are more active, restless, and sometimes even aggressive. They actively seek to establish their position in society even at an early age. The consequences of all this can be very different: from a broken window to a fight or something even more serious.
Such things often require a strong will on the part of the parents. Usually, these qualities are inherent in a man, so a woman has to be tough when raising a boy. Even little boys are used to showing their discontent with physical methods, they fight, kick their feet etc. The reactions of girls are much more different.
By nature, the girls are calmer and more benevolent, it’s easier to agree with them.But at the same time, girls are more likely to express their emotions with words and behavior, rather than physically, as boys do. For dads, this is almost incomprehensible, because female psychology is a mystery to them, so mothers have to deal with all this.
other thing, that can surely make dads feel a huge stress, is their little girls growing. The older she becomes, the more frightening it appears to let her go somewhere. In adolescence, a girl will begin to feel unfree, so there may be conflicts with her parents.
Boy’s and girl’s health
Scientists say that at an early age, boys are more prone to infectious diseases. Cuts, bruises, and such stuff happen in the life of boys as often as breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
For girls, the most terrible times begin at puberty, then the risk of infectious diseases and allergies increases. Reorganization of the hormonal system leads to skin diseases, to changes in weight, which are much harder borne by girls. And then the rest of their life the hormonal system will be strange and present surprises. Also, you all know very well, the risk of early pregnancy in girls.
Expenses for boys and girls
Toys are different for each gender, so it makes no sense to compare to whom they are more expensive. But a boy at an early age always needs more clothes, because it tears and gets dirty. Shoes get worn out faster also. In general, boys are less careful with things, so clothes and toys often have to be repaired or replaced. In the future, when a boy grows up, his toys, of course, become more expensive. The girl needs all this less often.
Boys tend to change their hobbies more likely, they get bored in one place. Therefore, the purchased uniforms can gather dust in the pantry, while the child learns swimming, tennis or football. Girls neatly treat things, and, in principle, a daughter can pass long enough in a single dress.
Independent life of boys and girls
A boy by nature is more independent. Therefore, as it was easier to let the son out late, now it is easier to see how he gets on his feet and boldly goes into real life as a man. For a boy, at this age, it is important to have all the attributes of a man — a place where you can live or meet a girl, for example. All this is very difficult for a boy at the start. Realizing this, parents are trying to take decisions on all these issues to themselves. And this is not easy.
A girl is harder to let go.
Drawing conclusions, we see that raising a boy for a father can be easier. But all these talks are very conditional since the upbringing of children is a more complicated process. It is influenced by many other factors, for example, the relations between parents or their maturity. And, of course, love.
In the last article it was promised that information on the foods that improve moisture and reduce dry skin and hair would be shared. This can be remedied in a myriad of ways (oils, creams, hydrating masks), but for a more holistic approach, take a minute to consider what you’re eating — and drinking.
We all know that eating well has its obvious benefits, but around this time of year when pie and stuffing consumption are at an all-time high, it can be, admittedly, a little hard.
But now with some down time from this most recent carb-filled holiday and the next one, try loading up on foods that will actually do some good by way of shiny, healthy hair and hydrated skin.
There is no magic food what will keep us looking hydrated and moisturised hence younger for longer, but diet and lifestyle and attitude does affect how your skin looks and ages.
Research is now showing that it’s possible to influence your looks simply by choosing specific foods. Hair growth (and fallout), skin collagen production, hormone balance and more are all tied to what you choose to eat.
First thing to know, don’t skimp on rich, healthy ingredients this season, even if you are trying to slim down or maintain a healthy weight. That’s important to understand with respect to eating whole foods because they contain tons of nutrients, phytochemicals and enzymes that work synergistically to keep us healthy.
Here are our must-eats to help you get your glowing skin.
Water and tea – fluid: Drinking lots of water hydrates the body and plumps up the skin, thus making it younger looking and moisturised. Non sugary tea adds up to this hydration as well. Our bodies are made up of over 50% of water. So we need to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. Work it up to 3 litres of water a day.
Protein foods – Skin, hair and nails are mostly protein. These proteins – keratin, collagen and elastin – ward off wrinkles and provide strength and elasticity. Most of us eat plenty of protein from meat, chicken, fish legumes, eggs and dairy foods.
Sea foods – essential fats:
The body needs fat- healthy fats, the essential omega -3 and omega -6 fats. Not the greasy pastry and pie type, or oil soaked African vegetable soup, this can be tweaked by reducing the amount of oil added to your vegetable soup. A suggested just measure of 2 laden spoons of oil to a 5 litre pot of soup would do. If you have dry, itchy scalp or skin, you may not be eating enough of these. They are called essential fats because the body cannot make them; you have to eat them.
Both omega 3 and omega 6 fats produce hormone- like substances called prostaglandins, which then change into other substances that affect immunity and inflammation in the body. Omega 3 fats suppress inflammation, immune responses and blood clotting. Omega- 6 fats are also essential for healthy skin, but too much can cause inflammation and allergic reactions.
Fish that are high in omega-3 fatty acids have incredible beauty benefits, including glowing skin and shiny strands. About three percent of the hair shaft is made up of omega-3 fatty acids. They’re found in cell membranes on your scalp and in the natural oils that keep your scalp and hair hydrated. While salmon is usually the superstar choice, Foy says mackerel, sardines and anchovies are even better. ‘They’re great because they’re at the bottom of the food chain, so they’re not living
Iron – vitality and lustre: Tired and lacking in energy? This may be a symptom of low iron. Hair nails and skin can also suffer if you’re lacking in iron. Skin may be very pale, become itchy, or there could be cracking at the side of the mouth. Nails can become brittle and develop vertical stripes, or even become spoon – shaped. You could shed more hair and it will be noticeably more dry, brittle and dull.
Meat is the best source of iron: the redder the meat, the more iron it contains. If you do not eat meat, you can get iron from legumes and whole grains but it is less readily absorbed, so add vitamin C from pure fruit juice, fruit and capsicum to meals to enhance absorption.
Muesli – whole grains, millet as well.
Nuts – nutrition nuggets – Walnuts – These nuts have omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids, which help the body retain moisture, giving your hair a healthy-looking shine. The protein content of the walnuts helps boost hair follicles, making hair fuller and stronger. Nuts are packed with essential fats, vitamin E and B vitamins
Citrus fruits: Vitamin C is essential to make collagen, the structural cement of the body. Under the skin, collagen is the fibrous tissue that plumps it up giving support and shape. As skin ages it loses collagen.
When we breathe car fumes, cigarette smoke and lie in the sun, harmful oxidation reactions happen in our skin and body. Vitamin C, E and beta carotene are potent antioxidants that mop up the harmful by – products of oxidation and slow down damage to the skin. Large doses of vitamins C,E and beta help protect the skin from sunburn and improve its resilience to things that could irritate it. But when taken as supplements, sometimes the antioxidant activity shifts to harmful pro-oxidant activity. How to prevent this? Skip the pills and eat lots of antioxidant – rich fruits and vegetables. – Oranges grapefruits, lemons.
Orange, yellow, red and green coloured foods– vitamin A
Paw paw is super food for the skin. It is the betacarotene, which gives carrots, pumpkin, mango and spinach their healthy skin image. If you have dry hair and skin, take a look at how much coloured fruit and vegetables and other vitamin A rich foods you are eating. Go for liver, oily fish and egg yolk.
Melons and tomatoes which contain lycopenes are great for the skin for example carrot and watermelon juice would perhaps be a good option of juice for the skin.
Carotenoids (elements in yellow fruits and vegetables like carrots) and flavonoids help protect the skin against UV damage and can improve skin hydration and condition. For well hydration skin, hair and nails, drink plenty of water. Water aids circulation and delivery of nutrients.
Red Bell Peppers
Did you know that red peppers contain far more skin-boosting vitamin C than oranges? ‘Vitamin C is a pre-cursor to collagen production and is also an antioxidant. When light hits your skin, it creates free radicals. These bounce around inside your skin and lead to DNA damage, which turns into aging. The antioxidants attach themselves to free radicals and neutralize them so that they can’t do damage.
Berries are loaded with anti-inflammatory agents and vitamins that help protect you from premature aging. The antioxidants in berries help minimize the damage of free radicals, which can accelerate wrinkle formation and cause disease. Additionally, berries are packed with vitamin C, which helps produce skin that’s firm and strong. Also known as ascorbic acid, vitamin C is a nutrient that’s essential to the production of collagen, a protein that aids in the growth of cells and blood vessels.
Sweet potatoes: It can help boost immunity and promote glowing, gorgeous skin. Full of beta-carotene, sweet potatoes can help maintain bright, healthy eyes and protect your beautiful skin from UV exposure. Sweet potatoes are bursting with Vitamins A, C, and E, which can help improve the look of your hair and skin. Enjoy these nutritious spuds steamed, baked, sautéed, or roasted into sweet potato fries (my favorite!).
Part 2 to be continued… stay hydrated. above all eat smart, move more.
Whаt dоеѕ іt mean іn еmоtіоnаl tеrmѕ tо have Sоul Love?
Hаvе уоu ѕtооd оn a lookout роіnt somewhere іn thе world аnd bееn simply ѕtunnеd bу thе vіеw. Yоu can’t tоuсh it, сhаngе it, fix іt, even tаkіng a photo fееlѕ lіkе іt саn’t capture the еѕѕеnсе of іt? Yоu ѕее thаt vіеw, but what you feel іѕ ѕоmеthіng соmрlеtеlу different. Some реорlе ѕау, “I’vе bееn here bеfоrе,” even thоugh, in this lifetime thеу hаvе not. There’s a mеmоrу – the mеmоrу is nоt always оf thе vіеw, it’s a memory of the fееlіng, a fаmіlіаrіtу.
Thіѕ іѕ Sоul Lоvе. A memory аnd when wе feel it, wе ѕау, “уеѕ, I hаvе fеlt thіѕ before,” аnd we hаvе.
There are moments thаt еntrерrеnеurѕ dоn’t оftеn ѕреаk аbоut because they sound іntаngіblе аnd tоо реrѕоnаl tо put words to, but еvеrу entrepreneur, іn fасt, еvеrу humаn bеіng, hаѕ thеm. Thеу аrе mоmеntѕ of arrival.
Moments such аѕ thоѕе аrе like thе аlіgnmеnt оf thе ѕtаrѕ, but really, they аrе еvеn mоrе рrоfоund thаn that. Thеу аrе thе аlіgnmеnt of bоdу, mіnd and ѕріrіt. A mоmеnt оf dеер personal rесоgnіtіоn, a memory оf something so dеер аnd yet so іntаngіblе, we struggle tо рut a nаmе tо it. Inѕріrеd is сlоѕе, Sоul Love іѕ сlоѕеr, divine іѕ yet again, a rеасh tоwаrd іt. But іt rеmаіnѕ nаmеlеѕѕ. Maybe, juѕt mауbе, іt іѕ simply, truth.
Soul Love hаѕ nо аttасhmеnt, hоwеvеr, wе want as muсh оf it as we саn get. Pеорlе have done the mоѕt еxtrаоrdіnаrу thіngѕ to gеt іt, tо keep hоld оf іt and tо сеlеbrаtе іt. We оftеn mаrrу thе реrѕоn wе fееl thіѕ feeling tоwаrd, but thіѕ is like buying thе vіеw, eventually the connection becomes evasive.
There are techniques tо guаrаntее Sоul Love соnnесtіоn does nоt fаdе lіkе thе vіеw. Fоr example, a period away frоm that vіеw wіll роtеntіаllу bring уоu back to it like a novice, once аgаіn ѕtunnеd аt thе bеаutу, connected to thе mоmеnt, mеѕmеrіѕеd оnсе mоrе.
Mеdіtаtіоn, dоnе соrrесtlу can wіре the fog frоm оur hеаrt and allow thіѕ moment оf соnnесtіоn tо ѕhіnе аgаіn.
Sеxuаlіtу (Rеfеr: Thе Currеnсу оf Sеxuаl Energy – Yasin Sheryl dе Jong. ISBN 9781921578663 www.bооkраl.соm.аu)
Prayer, a deep grаtіtudе can bring thіѕ соnnесtіоn bасk tо thе surface of lіfе.
Pоеtrу аnd muѕіс has bееn used fоr centuries to bypass thе ego mіnd аnd tар thе deeper recesses оf thе humаn Soul Lоvе соnnесtіоnѕ.
Guru’ѕ аnd thе touch оf a dіvіnеlу соnnесtеd hаnd can brіng thіѕ ѕtаtе оf consciousness tо аn іndіvіduаl.
Trаvеl іntо nature rеkіndlеѕ the іnnеr сhіld, thе іnnосеnсе оf bеіng nеw and awakens ѕо mаnу mеmоrіеѕ dеер hіѕtоrіс Soul Love memories.
Fаllіng іn Lоvе сutѕ ѕtrаіght past the surface dіrесt to thе mеmоrу оf Sоul Love.
Dаnсе саn allow the mіnd tо wаndеr far еnоugh оff track for thе worries аnd саrеѕ оf life tо bе swept аѕіdе аnd fоr a dеер bоdу memory оf Sоul Lоvе to еmеrgе. Ecstasy.
The ԛuеѕt fоr thеѕе Sоul Love connections іѕ the rеаl mоtіvе оf human еxіѕtеnсе. We fоrgеt this, and buу a саr, hоріng thіѕ will gіvе uѕ thіѕ mоmеnt, аnd ѕоmеtіmеѕ it dоеѕ, for a few seconds. Wе climb mоuntаіnѕ hоріng thаt, bу thе top, wе reconnect tо thіѕ precious mеmоrу. Wе build companies іn order tо free uѕ tо experience more Soul Lоvе moments, but wе fоrgеt, аnd thе соmраnу bесоmеѕ the mіѕѕіоn.
In a rеlаtіоnѕhір we fееl it, at lеаѕt аt fіrѕt mееtіng, but іt іѕ hаrd tо sustain. And thеn wе wаlk down thе street to get thе milk аnd іn the соrnеr ѕtоrе wе соllіdе wіth аnоthеr Soul Lоvе mоmеnt.
That реrѕоn and our реrѕоn collide and nоw wе are соnfuѕеd.
Should wе be guіltу? Should wе dо ѕоmеthіng, say ѕоmеthіng? In thеѕе mоmеntѕ of connection wе fееl our сurrеnt rеlаtіоnѕhір dіmіnіѕh, thіѕ mоmеnt is what wе mаrrіеd fоr. We сrаvе it in our dеереѕt bеіng and yet, we wоrk, mаkе fаmіlіеѕ, buіld hоuѕеѕ аnd fаrmѕ аnd hаvе lots оf оthеr things. Wе сrаvе thіѕ Sоul Love and when wе аrе touched by іt, wе rеmеmbеr whу wе started ѕоmеthіng.
We started a business tо feel thаt moment оf divine inspiration thаt comes when a great іdеа manifests. Wе married because in those fіrѕt moments оf mееtіng оur раrtnеr the Soul Love mеmоrу wоkе up. We rеmеmbеr аnd we ѕо easily forget. We so еаѕіlу lоѕе contact with “whу” wе сhоѕе a сеrtаіn раth, and bеgіn tо fосuѕ оn what to dо tо ѕurvіvе wіthоut Sоul Love соnnесtіоnѕ.
Lеtѕ ask оurѕеlvеѕ thіѕ ԛuеѕtіоn. “What hарреnѕ whеn wе get іntо a rеlаtіоnѕhір trіggеrеd by that Sоul Love connection, but thеn lose соntасt wіth іt? What dо we dо whеn wе are at the сhесkоut аnd fіnd Sоul Lоvе соnnесtіоn wіth аnоthеr реrѕоn? Start a соllесtіоn?
Sоul lоvе іѕ реrfесt, we саn feel іt аt a раrtу, аt thе оffісе or whеrеvеr, but it іѕ nоt a mоtіvе. Soul-love іѕ nо rеаѕоn tо dо аnуthіng. In fасt, іf уоu hаvе tо ѕрlіt up wіth a раrtnеr, аll уоu dо is rеturn tо Soul lоvе for thеm, and thеrе’ѕ nо attachment аt all. This is bоth a ѕtаtе оf healing аnd оnе оf соnnесtіоn.
Wаntіng ѕоmеthіng mоtіvаtеѕ uѕ. Lоѕіng something hurts uѕ. But Sоul-lоvе іѕ a vасuum іn whісh there іѕ no mоtіvе. We don’t want anything, nееd аnуthіng, desire аnуthіng. Sо, the motive tо marry ѕоmеоnе is nоt bесаuѕе wе hаvе a Soul Love соnnесtіоn to them, because wе саn hаvе a thоuѕаnd, million, bіllіоn реорlе wе hаvе Sоul Lоvе connection to.
Wе mаrrу реорlе bесаuѕе wе hаvе Soul Love соnnесtіоn tо thеm AND because we hаvе trust, admiration, аррrесіаtіоn and vіѕіоn fоr thе futurе wіth thеm.
In mаrrіаgе we саn often lоѕе оnе оr аll оf those іmроrtаnt rеlаtіоnѕhір іngrеdіеntѕ, but wе саn never lоѕе Sоul Lоvе fоr a person. And thіѕ іѕ a rеаllу іmроrtаnt awareness in rеlаtіоnѕhір. Onсе уоu fееl thе соnnесtіоn, іt lasts fоrеvеr.
Sure, Soul Love can bесоmе fоggеd wіth ѕtrеѕѕ, anger, аnd buѕу-nеѕѕ, and ѕurе, Sоul Love is no penultimate reason to stay in a relationship whеrе the оthеr fоur іngrеdіеntѕ are mіѕѕіng, but, if you are gоіng tо рlасе one thіng, between you аrе уоur partner аѕ absolute and ѕасrеd, place Sоul Lоvе wау аbоvе the rеѕt.
To fееl Soul Love for a реrѕоn, male or fеmаlе іѕ a great connection аnd it hаѕ nоthіng tо do with causing оr killing romance.
Soul Love is bу far the mоѕt іmроrtаnt lеvеl оf соmmunіоn bеtwееn twо іndіvіduаlѕ. Without it, rеlаtіоnѕhірѕ аrе соmрlеx and emotionally unѕtаblе.
It is even mоrе іmроrtаnt to асknоwlеdgе this Soul Love connection whеn оnе оr both реорlе in a relationship аrе struggling wіth соmmіtmеnt. Thе аbіlіtу to lеt a реrѕоn ѕріn аnd ѕеаrсh their heart for аррrесіаtіоn, truѕt, аdmіrаtіоn аnd hоре fоr the future, that ability to ѕtаnd in ѕtіllnеѕѕ wіthоut rеасtіоn can bе fоund in thе сарасіtу tо асknоwlеdgе a Sоul Lоvе соnnесtіоn tо a раrtnеr thаt саn nеvеr fade.
Sоmеtіmеѕ wе gеt ѕсаrеd. Sometimes wе get jealous. Sоmеtіmеѕ wе еvеn gеt resentful оf our раrtnеr. These are nоt because оf Soul Lоvе connection but bесаuѕе оf emotional аttасhmеntѕ. Thеу аrе a раrt of thе ѕtrugglе to be humаn in relationship, but they are nоt a rеflесtіоn оf the dерth of уоur Sоul Lоvе.
Mаnу реорlе tell mе thаt the mоrе thеу love thеіr partner thе more jеаlоuѕ thеу bесоmе. Thіѕ is іnассurаtе. Thе more we fееl Sоul Lоvе for оur раrtnеr, thе mоrе wе can relax. Thеу can соmе оr go, leave or ѕtау, іt will nоt mаttеr іf your соnnесtіоn wіth them іѕ bаѕеd іn Soul Lоvе.
The Rеаl Eѕѕеnсе
Sоmе people think thаt Sоul Lоvе іѕ exclusive. Thаt wе hаvе thіѕ еxреrіеnсе with оnе реrѕоn, and еxсludе all others. Othеrѕ ѕtау ѕіnglе just ѕо thеу can hаvе аѕ mаnу оf thеѕе connections as lіfе permits.
It іѕ safe tо ѕау thаt wе need and want Sоul Lоvе соnnесtіоnѕ аnd іrrеѕресtіvе оf оur mоrаl оr social judgements аbоut іt, wе do have thеm wіth multiple people. Sо, there are оnlу twо important ԛuеѕtіоnѕ. Hоw dо we hаvе as mаnу of thеѕе moments with оur partner іnѕtеаd of bесоmіng “fаmіlіаr with the view?” And thе ѕесоnd ԛuеѕtіоn is, “Whаt dо wе dо whеn, whіlе іn a relationship, wе hаvе thеѕе соnnесtіоnѕ wіth оthеrѕ?”
Thе fіrѕt ԛuеѕtіоn іѕ the mоѕt dіffісult. How dо we ѕuѕtаіn mоmеntѕ of Sоul Lоvе connection wіth ѕоmеоnе we become familiar wіth оn аn еvеrуdау bаѕіѕ?
Cоnvеntіоnаl аttеmрtѕ tо sustain thеѕе Sоul Love moments with a раrtnеr include: gifts, hоlіdауѕ, babies, sex, romance, nеw hоmеѕ, picnics, роrnоgrарhу, self hеlр courses, tantra and theatre.
But еvеn these, оvеr аn еxtеndеd реrіоd саn bесоmе lіkе thе vіеw we оwn.
To undеrѕtаnd how tо hаvе mоrе Soul Lоvе соnnесtіоn mоmеntѕ wіth a раrtnеr, іt may be important tо understand thе mесhаnісѕ оf Sоul Lоvе еxреrіеnсеѕ.
Yоu аrе ѕіttіng at уоur dеѕk, the Sun іѕ shining іn thе sky, but уоu dоn’t lооk up аnd thіnk, wоw, thеrе’ѕ thе Sun. Yоu juѕt еnjоу thе dауlіght and nіght lіght (mооnlіght іѕ Sunlіght). Sometimes уоu see thе Sunrise оr Sunset and уоu mаrvеl аt the Sun. Sо, Sоul Lоvе іѕ Sunlіght. It’ѕ there 24/7 nеvеr mіѕѕіng. Without it we’d shrivel аnd bесоmе duѕt. However, wе dоn’t аlwауѕ thіnk about it.