Category Archives: Naija Jokes

Joke!! National Cake (Get In Here)

I was eating Nwanke and enjoying my drink around 4pm, a man entered the restaurant with a brief case. 

I guess he was a big politician bcos his dressing and pot belly portrays it.

I was still watching when another man started crying and came to him. He knelt down and begged him that he needed money to establish his bizness. This man brought out N10,000,000 (Ten Million Naira Cheque) and he gave this man.

This time, I started murmuring and practicing on the lie I would blow to have my own national cake. I started crying and went to the man. Immediately I knelt down, I heard “Cut!! Cut!! Cut!!”. I turned and saw the director of the movie. He laughed and said “oh boy na movie we dey shoot here” oo

Hahahahahah shame wan kill me. Chaii!!

Economy recession no go kill person lol. …??

What do you think about this Joke? | You Like it? – Drop your comments.

There is love in SHARING

MAGUN (THUNDERBOLT)

“Baba, my girlfriend dey cheat on me, I never catch am, oh, but I know it”

“Wetin you want make I do for you now?” Baba Ajibodu asked, he is feeling uncomfortable in the room with this Femi character. Torn jeans, rough hair, red eyes, and purple lips. No different from the lunatic Seyi, on the next street. He reached into the calabash on his right. “Take, put am for ground make she cross am, anybody wey sleep with am, go drink water die ni.”
****
“Sade! Abeg carry water come!” Femi shouted, after two big Eva bottled water, he was still feeling thirsty.
“Why are you drinking water like a camel na?”
“I no know oh” he lied, he wasn’t sure, but he knew what was going on. Baba Ajibodu had said, ‘anybody’. He knew what was coming next, and it scared him, he wasn’t ready to die.

There is love in SHARING

(Must Read) Winning To Lose

It is 7:50 am. You are at Circle, Accra. You are going to Madina. There are about 12 people also going to Madina and more people keep coming but you are running late for work, yet, there’s still no bus. Then, like the voice of John the Baptist in the desert shouting “Jesus is coming! Jesus is coming!”, you hear the mate in the approaching bus hawk his destination, 

“Madina! Madina!”

In nanoseconds, you calculate the stopping point of the bus, taking into consideration factors such as the velocity of the bus, the look on the driver’s face, the friction between the road surface and the car tyres and the relative spatial positions of other vehicles on the road. Then you place yourself strategically at a position on the curb where you have at least 70% chance of being one of the first four people to get access to the door of the bus as it stops.

You bless your high school Physics teacher in your head as the bus stops just in front of you; all your calculations are proven accurate. A quick scan of the bus reveals there are just about three empty seats in the bus.

You plunge forward, ready to claim your blessings when from nowhere, a thousand other people push forward too. Sweaty and soft bodies alike press against you from all directions, all hustling to enter and snatch your blessings away from you.

The struggle is real

You remember Archbishop Duncan Williams‘ voice booming in your head: “…be strong and march forward!” You do exactly that. You stand firm and make your way, inch by inch, and finally, triumphantly enter the bus, your Canaan. You pick one of the empty spots and sink your butts deep into the seats.

You smile slyly at those still down who were not able to make it into the bus. You pity them for not having good Physics teachers in high school.

What secondary schools did they go to?

You relax and savour your victory.

When you have settled well and the bus has taken off, you remember you have a couple of WhatsApp messages to answer. You reach into your pocket for your phone. Left pocket, empty. Right pocket, empty. Back pocket…at this point, your heart is thumping strongly and you begin to feel dizzy.

You want to google “How to stop dizziness instantly” but you can’t even find your phone

Slowly, you insert the tip of your longest finger into the mouth of your back pocket. You pray strongly that you should feel the hard body of the iPhone 6s that you bought just yesterday after saving 60% of your salary for eight months.

But, the witches in your hometown have other plans for you. The back pocket is empty, just like your mobile money and bank accounts.

The iPhone I bought just yesterday?

It is at that moment that you understand the saying, “Not every victory is a victory”.

There is love in SHARING

Short Story-Why I Relocated To Madagascar As A Fisherman(With Illustration) 

NOTICE:Are you a Story or News writer?  Kindly share your articles here.

See, in this life eh, don’t use public opinion as the basis for your life decisions, okay?

You know what everyone has been saying about pastors’ children being spoilt and bad and all that? I was eyeing my pastor’s daughter. She just completed JHS. May I hasten to add, however, that she looks like a final year Kumasi Polytechnic student.

She did not look like a fifteen-year-old

It seemed she liked me too because she gave me her number without me asking. She always texted me first on WhatsApp, sent me 2 cedis for MTN data everyday and often sent me pics of her food. So I thought she was feeling the boy.

She used to send me pictures of her food

 

Two weeks into our interactions, I proposed love to her. The message ticked blue but she never replied. It was around 1:13 am when the message went, so I assumed she had slept off. I wanted to sleep too, but I just could not. I was scared and excited at the same  time – would she say yes? would she say no? I don’t even know when I drifted into dreamland.

I dreamt we had gotten married and were flying to Johannesburg for our honeymoon. We were sleeping on the flight when our plane started experiencing some turbulence. I opened my eyes only to see my mother shaking my body and my bed vigorously. She said, “Come to the hall.” Then she walked out of the room.

But the flight was dope tho’

I was confused. I didn’t remember getting into any trouble that warranted such early morning summons. I quickly brushed my teeth, put on something then went into the hall. The sight that met me almost paralysed me.

What I saw in the hall almost made me run away

My pastor was there with his wife, the seven elders of the church and their wives and elder sons, the team of prayer warriors, the men and women’s fellowship leaders and finally, the Sunday School teachers. My parents and siblings were all there, too. The little crowd of almost thirty people had formed a semicircle and there was a chair that had been positioned to face them.

“Sit down”, Sofo Gbormita ordered.

My trembling weak legs were more than happy to comply.

A quick scan of the room revealed a gallon of anointing oil and several unhappy faces. The saddest faces were my parents’.

Everyone was just watching me like this

“Shall we pray”. I didn’t even know whose voice it was. But it sounded like it had been trained and tuned to naturally sound judgmental.

“Father Lord, we are here at this early hour to cast out and ostracise the demon of lust that has eaten into the sacred fabric of the church. Let your spirit fill this place. Let the wind of your direction move mightily in this room. Amen.” The amen that thundered through the room woke up our cat.

The pastor took over. He went straight to the point.

“Kossi, my daughter woke me up at 1:15 am to show me a text from you. Do you remember what you sent?”

I didn’t even know how to answer

“Pastor, please permit me to…”

“Gentleman, I am not here to negotiate. I ask, you answer. Is that clear?”

I nodded.

“So I ask again, do you remember what you sent the little girl?”

But she wasn’t a little girl? I almost asked him which part of the girl looked like a little girl to her. Her wide hips? Or her thirty-year-old-like busts? Or the blessed backside? 

“Pastor, I remember what I sent her.”

“Is that something Jesus would do?”

“I don’t think so, Sir.”

“You are possessed, and that is why we are all here. To free you from the demonic distin that is holding your destiny. Ogyanframa, come and lead the prayers.”

I was made to kneel down and for 45 minutes, I was the prayer topic. Ogyanframa, the prayer warrior, led the little crowd to clap, stomp, shoot, and pray the demons of lust away.

They prayed for me for close to an hour in the language of the shpirit

At the end of it all, the gallon of anointing oil was poured down my head like I was a newly ordained bishop .

They anointed my head with oil and my cup of disgrace ran over

When they left, the embarrassment made me want to kill myself. But I had a better plan. I deleted the foolish immature girl’s number from my phone, changed my name and relocated to Madagascar to start a new life there as a fisherman.


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COWARDS AND CHRISTMAS CHICKENS

The first time I killed a chicken by myself was in 1993 December, in my parents house in Lagos. I nearly kill myself join.

Thanks to my early love for horror movies the sight of blood did not scare me, but I was appalled by the idea of killing something that actually lived and breathed. Besides, I hated the shrieking of the chickens and would not have volunteered that year had it not been for Peju.

She was the daughter of a neighbor; a single mother who lived directly opposite my parents’ house. Absolutely gorgeous; petite complete with blue eyes and yellow hair (more like black eyes/hair; blame romance novels), and she liked me. I did not know events in the cosmos had conspired to help me make a fool of myself that year.

What happened was this: my immediate elder brother who usually did the slaughtering was away in the university; his first year in there and so, probably feeling like a ‘big boy’ refused to come home. The first three, all boys and older than him were out of the country. It was just me, my kid sister who was too young to hold anything bigger than a Barbie doll, our parents and Peju who was in my house because her whole family was away on a spiritual retreat and did not want her along. I was too excited to wonder why.

So Christmas morning dawned, and with it came the question who would do the honors of killing the innocent chicken. Truthfully, I was scared witless and would have stayed hidden in my room had Peju not come to tell me my mum was about to do it herself and then added that she; Peju, was scared like I was which is why she came in my room.

I was angry. Here I was with my ‘dream girl’, and she believed me a coward. I had to redeem myself so – jumping up and speaking in what I thought was a Barry White baritone but was actually a teenage squeak, I asked why mother would bother herself when I was in the house. As I walked towards the kitchen, Peju ran after me and held my hand. I was in heaven.

When I got there, my mum was about to do the deed and I drew back, hoping it would be done before I was noticed. I had forgotten that Peju was with me.

“Seun is here, mummy. He’s here to kill the chicken,” she said (or words to that effect). All the love I had for her evaporated that instant and I snatched my hand from hers, hating her with all of me. I walked on leaden feet towards the sink where mum was, also hating her for forgetting how young I was.

“I’m your baby!” I must have screamed at her telepathically, but she did not hear me, a small smile playing around her lips as she handed me the knife. My hand was shaking so bad I nearly dropped it, but I gripped it harder and climbed on the stool mum placed against the sink for me.

The chicken was bigger than I remembered.

Suddenly its eyes and beak looked really big, reminiscent of the ones I saw on the pterodactyls in the movie Jurassic Park; looking ready to pluck my eyes out. I was afraid, and only the thought that Peju was behind me stopped me from running out of there.

I gripped the chicken’s head as I had seen my brothers do countless times and started sawing the knife back and forth around the neck area, standing in such a way that my body blocked their (mum and Peju’s) view of what I was doing. Within moments I had the chicken’s throat open to the bone and it had stopped struggling, blood spurting sluggishly. Without checking properly, I grabbed it and, moving quickly, dunked it in the pot of boiling water prepared for shedding its feathers.

I dimly recall my mom shouting ‘duro!!!!’, which is ‘wait’ in Yoruba but it was drowned in a loud ‘SQUAARKKK!!!!!!!’ as the chicken, which was only half-dead reacted violently, spraying everyone in the kitchen with boiling water. As I was standing in front of the pot, I got the worst of it. I don’t remember what happened clearly but mum says I screamed, hurled the knife one way and myself the other. All I remember is I never entered the kitchen again that year.

Somehow mum caught me and applied honey on the burns on my arms and most of my chest area, clucking and shaking her head. Fortunately she and Peju had only been lightly touched by the spray. I was so ashamed.

When it was time to eat, I stared at my piece of chicken, half-expecting it to jump out of the plate and attack me. And Peju? She just held my hand through dinner, feeling sorry for me and making me hate myself more. But she never told a soul; which is partly why I carried a torch for her for a long time.

When my brothers came back and heard the story, they laughed and laughed after which they christened me ‘Mr. Hot Chicken’. For the first few months the name annoyed me, but after a while either I outgrew the offense or they moved on, I don’t remember.

Peju’s married now but I still run into her every now and then when I visit, during which she winks, smiles and whispers ‘Mr. Hot Chicken’.

I know.

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Olongbo and the Invigilator

Written by Oluniyi olajide.
08024293683

Heey stoppp, stop what you’re doing there olongbo! ‘‘, Stand up and let me see your hands’’, the invigilator barked furiously, beads of sweat dripping down his gaunt face.

I arched my head hurriedly putting the tiny piece of paper in my mouth, chewed hastily and swallowed the disgusting piece of paper I had brought into the examination hall.

‘‘ogaa, how va wetin I do na,’’ I said as Innocently as I could but my igboo (weed) hardened voice betrayed me, I sounded more like a stoned dominic purcell.

As I slowly stood up I could feel all eyes turn towards me, the hall was filled with spill over students writing our final make over examination.

My ‘G’ lambo three sits to my right woke up startled. That high bastard.
‘’Na for whish zoo dem carry dis wan come from na, I neva see im papa before na.. bastard wan spoil show’’ I mumbled, visibly irritated by this new invigilator.

The invigilator started towards me, a movement between triple paced steps and a hungry cheetah’s stride..kpaaaa kpaaaa gbooo! Three heavy duty slaps landed on my cheeks, I was shocked. As I held my red hot cheeks in bewildment, the invigilator held me by the collar.

‘‘where is the piece of paper you were writing from’’,
‘’tisaa, I no no wetin u dey yarn so, shey u mean answer paper?”

I replied smiling coyly
‘’ shey ode lo pe mi ni’’, still holding me by the scruff, he shook me violently. I was starting to get pissed.

I was really boiling inside and I was sure he noticed the wicked change in my demeanour because he released his tight grasp of my collar immdiately and then held me by the belt…

Excited chatter filled the examination hall. ‘’ shut up, I saiddd sharrappp,keep kwayet…..eyin omo oloribu,’’
Immediate silence was estabalished.’’ shey dis man never shit finish since ni’’,

he continued
I knew who he was talking about. The second invigilator left the hall about 20 mins after the paper started, now we all know where the bastard went.

’’F****king glutton’’, he murmured‘’, you know I have warned you several times today, first I caught you stretching your tiny neck, I left you alone. Second time, you were dragging your friends answer booklet because he didn’t want to give you willingly.

Now I caught you with EXPO…’’, wos wos wobi, tie ti baje leni yii’’,.

‘’Oga tisa, I no do anything na, make you farabale no go get hypatenshun oo, you die b dat niyen o.

well I go chop for ya burial sha’’, I said staring him straight in the face. He was taken aback by my evil courage, a lil scared I must say.
He turned to lambo smiling ‘’hello my good student, did you see olongbo with any piece of paper, the EXPO. I know you will tell me the truth wont you’’,

Looking confused lambo flailed his hands in the air‘’,me ke, tisa I no knw anything o I swear ontop ma mama grave. Oga, as I dey I no knw wetin expo be, I neva see am before for my life sef.

For my family we no dey do am”, hmmm oga tisa, for my mama death bed, she call me for one corner tell me say ‘ my son no do expo o, your papa no do am, your grandpa sef no do am, me sef no do am’. Naso she die oo’’,.

‘’So tisa I no see anything, make you cooluu ur temper, time dey go’’,.laughter filled the air. We all knew lambo was high. Well I was too, but was doing a dammmnnn good job keeping myself solid.

The invigilator sighed, he knew without evidence and nobody willing to come forward with the truth, the case won’t stand in a senate hearing.

Upon realizing I will get away with my actions, he raised is left hand to hit me. I jerked back instinctively and dodged the oncoming missile. Unsettled by my reaction, he stumbled and fell face forward. Seeing him sprawl helplessly on the floor ignited my inner demon.

I started raining blows, kicks on his head, hands and ribs. I made sure I didn’t hit his face to eliminate any evidence of assault. lambo stood up and started kicking him furiously too.
I ignored the man’s squeals and almost breathless pleas.’’, you no fit die ‘’, i continued.

After about 2mins of dealing with the bastard invigilator and unbearable shrills of excitement by our colleagues. Lambo and I stopped and dragged him to his chair.

He just sat there staring blankly at the ceiling. The examination continued.
15 minuts later mr lasisi, the second invigiltor came back. Upon seeing him, he stood up lightening fast from his chair and narrated all that had happened to mr lasisi.
‘’I hia say pesin bulaa my colleague for here’’, lasisi started
I didn’t stand up, the whole class started murmuring.
As mr lasisi came towards mee, I felt no emotion, felt no fear.’wetin apen’
‘nothing sir’ I replied coldly ‘ me wey be say I neva folo anybody talk since’
The invigilator started running towards me with his fists clenched screaming liarrrr liarrrr.
‘’after all the beating I give dis man im still fit waka’’, I mumbled irritably
Mr lasisi held him back.
Upon questioning me and the whole class. We all denied the allegation
“Na even oga slap olongbo, e dey beat like say 2moro no dey”, the usually quiet ekute blurted out.
The invigilator started sobbing, cursing and swearing….
’’oga you knw say dis omo satani children no get future, as per say evidence no dey u gats to forget the matter be dat o’’,lasisi said without a tinge of pity.

‘’I cannot, I cannot forget this matter, mi o gba rara, ahannn……emiii, emiii’’
I could see lasisi was getting impatient ‘’ oya dey go senate nigbayen” he blurted
Angrily he left the hall, went into his car and drove off.

Lasisi went outside to double check if he had really gone, gave me a nod and then brought out the answers to the exam questions he went to solve..’’ olongbo no forget transfer me the money o’’
I collected the book and screamed ‘’ eyin oloriburuku students answa don land ooooo’’
‘’ ttuaaleee olongboooo babaaaaaa’’ the hall chorused

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[Naija Joke]Square Testicles

 

This is a joke that is supposed to bring you the luck of the Irish. 

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000’.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.         

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

 Also Read: THE PREGNANT VIRGIN

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’

‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked    the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland ‘

The origin of this Irish story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.     

There is love in sharing!!! 

African stories
There is love in SHARING

Official Adekaz Jokes Compilation part 2

1.Honestly, Africans don’t have time to rest, even after death they work as ancestors.

2. So after bleaching your skin, you’re in church busy singing “I know who i am”
Yes! 
You are a chameleon

3.Breast-less girl still wearing bra. What are you trying to hold? Your heart or your feelings

4.When she posts a status ” I miss my Bae”.
.
Then about about 6 guys begins to feel special, at the same time. She’s confusing our brothers

5.A prostitute was was raped in Hillbrow, and the case was attended at the magistrate court.

Magistrate : Why did you open a rape case two weeks after the rape took place ?.
Prostitute : I noticed that i have been raped after the cheque bounced in the bank.

6.Our friend was accusing people for witchcraft, because he is failing all his subjects.
.
Then we decided to put him through a test. On the school closing day, we decided to put a 1kg stone in his school bag, and he came back with it today.

7.Having sex with a Girl who doesn’t Scream is like watching a Soccer Match without commentators!!

8.Your Mum Will beg You To help her Unhook Her “Bra”, You’ll Be Doing Like Snail, But When it’s “Bae”, You suddenly becomes Fast And Furious season 8.bro you go die premature oooo

9. Have you ever been next to people who gossip so much that you’re even scared of leaving them cause you know you will be the next topic?

10. My friend is Jobless and his Employed Girlfriend told him…”This Relationship is not Working,Just like you!!
My friend has lost his appetite for 3days now.

11.Am not used to this but this cracked my ribs

Pastor:Its time for Thanksgiving
Interpreter:Asiko to fun idupe
Pastor:Drop your offerings……
Interpreter:E fi ore yin kale
Pastor:Don’t dance like a foolish person
Interpreter:Ma Lo jo bii oloshi!!!
(and the whole church shouted)
Wo!!!😂😂

12.The last drop of urine 💧 will never obey the law of gravity unless u shake it well*

*By: Isaac Newton’s roommate*   

13. Am not used to this but this cracked my ribs

Pastor:Its time for Thanksgiving
Interpreter:Asiko to fun idupe
Pastor:Drop your offerings……
Interpreter:E fi ore yin kale
Pastor:Don’t dance like a foolish person
Interpreter:Ma Lo jo bii oloshi!!!
(and the whole church shouted)
Wo!!!😂😂

14.I humblly went to a RESTAURANT and after seeing every table being occupied by couples,  I took out my phone and made a very loud phone call, saying,
“My friend, your wife is here with another man just come and see”

Nine ladies DISAPPEARED!!

15.On d last day, some guys will still be looking at the yansh of some girls while going to hell.
Angels will be shouting “julius enter o😂😂😂😂

©African stories Team

African stories
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Learn to Pay Attention.

First year University of Kenyatta medical students were attending their 1st Anatomy Class.
 They all gathered around the table and there was a real dead body on the table.

The Professor, Mwangi started the class by telling them two important qualities of a DOCTOR. He said,

“The 1st is that never be DISGUSTED about anything in the body.” For example, he inserted his FINGER in the dead body’s ANUS & put the finger in his own mouth & TASTED it.

MUST READ:THE GREAT PRICE. 

Then he told the students to do what he did. The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body’s ANUS & tasted it. When everyone finished tasting their fingers, they were all Frowning…

Then the professor looked at them & said: “The most important 2nd Quality is “Observation”.

I inserted my MIDDLE finger but tasted the 2nd finger… Now learn to pay attention!!
“ALL the students fainted!!

 Don’t laugh alone.

African stories
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Facebook Guys

Anytime i visit a girl’s Facebook timeline, I’ll always see some dummies thanking her for accepting his request.

The most annoying part of the matter is that, they don’t say it well.

Imagine this one; *”Thanks for accepting me into your friend request”* *”Thanks for been acceptive”*
ALSO READ:[Story] ABETE (The Hood)
The thing wey pain me pass; *”May God bless you and may you prosper, you and your family shall never lack for the acceptiveness for the request i send”*

Guy, Your Mumu don do

😂😂😂

African stories
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